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24 February 2011
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DEAR GRAMPA ED: My wife and recently gave birth to twins (a boy and a girl), and my mom and dad absolutely dote on them, of course. But the other night, when we had them over for dinner, my mom just sort of announced out of the blue that she’d be coming around every day “just to see them and help out.” Since they only live about a block and a half away, this wouldn’t be much of an inconvenience for her. But my wife almost gagged on her dinner roll when my mom made that announcement. Now understand, both my wife and I love my mother dearly, but having her drop in every day isn’t exactly what we had in mind. How do I tell her that in a way that won’t hurt her feelings or give the wrong impression? — A DADDY IN DAYTON
DEAR DAYTON DADDY: I have found that, in general, the best way to handle interpersonal conflicts is thru the use of the so-called Socratic method, a method whereby you ask instead of tell, and in so doing force the other person to think thru and discover the answers on his/her own, instead of just telling him/her the answers. The very best teachers (at all levels) teach this way.
In your case, I’d find an appropriate (i.e., non-embarrassing) opportunity to pose a question something like this: “How do you think it would make us feel to have you just drop in announced, any time you felt like it?” Or you might ask, “Can you understand why it might make us a little uncomfortable if you were to just show up without warning?” Or you might turn the tables a little bit and ask: “How would you like it if one of us just popped into the house while you or dad were taking a shower?” This approach might not always work; but at least it avoids putting you in the position of having to “dictate” your mom’s behavior, and makes it much more possible for you to have a discussion instead of an argument.
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